Monday, May 07, 2007

i miss my bestfriend. @ 5/07/2007 12:42:00 PM

..ngayon naiintindihan na kita, bestfriend mo ako at bestfriend kita..
that was from a letter my bestfriend gave me when we were young.
we love to do those stuff. exchange letters.
for the past few days, i've been reading them. all of the as possible.
it's all because of those lipat bahay thing. that's why i found all the missing ones.
i first read one after the issue with the yayas. i was fixing my 'memory box' when suddenly i saw these letters from bes.
i wouldn't tell what's actually in it, but na-encourage ako nung nabasa kong' line.
i was confused if i should change for them.. but i'm glad i read that letter. it said.. "you're my bestfriend for who you are... don't ever change that."



i cried a lot. well.. tears of joy actually. i wanted to tell her for some days after, but i always forgot. or i'm suddenly interrupted by some other people. so i never had the chance to tell her how much she helped me.
the days after that, i wanted to open up to my bestfriend, again. i mean, i once knew a lot about her. but now, i know nothing about her life. i guess i know some, but not the "deepest darkest secrets" we always tell to each other when we were kids. i know nothing. and she knows nothing too. i miss it when we were kids. how we were so carefree. how we never cared about lies and secrets. noon, we always tell each other how we feel, how we have hurt each other's feelings. we give "i'm mad at you" sentences and accepting it without getting mad. before, we always understand each other, we were always there for each other. we had the tiniest problems yet for us, it was the hardest we'd ever face. we were very mababaw back then.
we tell each other the corniest of all jokes and still laugh about it like it was the end of the world. and we never cared about what other people say.. because for us, this is our lives, we own it. practically, it was like we had our own world. we never lied to each other back then.
pero now, i don't see that world anymore. kahit napaka lapit namin sa isa't isa, it feels like we're never close. it feels like she's so distant that i can't even reach her. people know things about her that i don't even have a clue with. people also knows a lot about me, she can't even guess. what happened to us?? we used to be the best-est friends there ever was. minsan nga, naiilang pa kmi sa isa't isa kapag kaming dalawa lang. we need people who would help us loosen up. but the helping each other to loosen up is already a bestfriend's job right?
i sometimes hate myself because of the things i sometimes do wrong. like when actually having the chance to talk, but choose not to, and having the chance the chance to help her, but take one step backwards. i don't know. i feel like i don't know her anymore. i missed a lot about her life. i wasn't there during her good times. and i wasn't there to cry nor laugh with her. i wasn't there when she needed me. i was too busy being afraid that maybe she may not need me at all.
i was so scared that someday, it would be crashing all in my face, that someday she'd leave me. sometimes, i'd tell her the things i missed about her in a form of a joke. then we'd laugh at it. i'm contented at that, at least she knows i did it.
i feel so stupid when the people around us knows her even more than i do. knows stuff i don't know about her. tease her with things i can't relate. or talk to her with things i can't even guess. i feel like i'm being thrown away from her world. we both have lives now. and i'm scared that maybe i wouldn't fit in in hers. that there would be too many people that i don't already have a space. i don't care if i'm not the most important person in her life. i don't care if she doesn't need mein her life.. all i care about is being there. being part of her life for sometime. the world we created before feels likes just a distant memory. something we can never go back to ever again.


for you.. bes.
i can't even take a look with what's happening between us right now. we're together pero we don't talk that much when we're alone. we don't talk like we used to before.
i hope someday, we could just go back to that exchanging letter days so i can get back at her life. so i can feel i'm there. i belong. that i'm her bestfriend, and she's mine as well. i want to go back, because back then, we were there for each other. like "i'm just here." o kaya "twagan mo lang ako." i miss those times. we were childish and know nothing about life. for us, it was only us. nothing else. pero the more we know more about life, the more we become distant. we're not each other's confidante. we're not each other's shoulder anymore. we don't know eacn other's life.
and sometimes, it really feels ackward. but i'm thankful that she's still here.
and i've been wanting to tell her this, pero i just can't find any right time. but i hope she's reading this. hope she'll know how much she helped she helped me grow and how important she is to me.

at least even for now, i could go back to the good times we shared.



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sunshine through my window, that's what you are, my shining star..