Monday, May 07, 2007

first impressions. @ 5/07/2007 12:23:00 PM

tears are precious. they carry a lot of what a girl feels.
i remembered when someone told me that. because i was crying a lot. and i said i hated it, because my cousins were making fun of me.
i had my first impression with my family already. i meant with my relatives. they seem to know me as.. "she's an honor student, she's a good dancer, she's a guitar player, she's this.. she's that.." blah blah blah. that's why it seems so hard to suddenly fall from these things. when i was in grade 5, i wasn't an honor student, because i belong to the star section-the place where all honor students in grade 4 go. and it was actually hard to go to school everyday and be with them. it was hard adjusting at first. i mean i became an honor student because my classmates helped me-grade 4 classmates. and in the star section, they're not the helpers. they were also the helpee. and we were all combined together. it was up for us, to help ourselves.

it's hard earning something from it. i mean the past three years were hard. getting a grade of 85 is already a big disaster. i sometimes envy the people that are actually smiling up when they see their grades. i know i smile too. and i become confused with the other people crying because of their grades.. i suddenly thought, because of what we've shown before, people actually expects a lot from you. i mean, it's hard to do the rising first before the downfall. i mean, people who started from the hard part and goes away with the glorious ones are achievers right? they really worked hard for it. and they have gotten through the pain of expectations bit by bit.

i hate their first impressions.
they make me seem low for myself. i mean, i created this first impression and still, i can't continue what I've started. it's all hanging from there.
and it's hard because you can't actually try new stuff. new stuff you can be known for. for them, you'll always be like that-forever. sure, the glory and the praises can help, but during your "i'm falling can you help me please" moments, nothing would be worth a smile.
and it's embarrassing too.