Sunday, October 14, 2007

trying to hide the pain. @ 10/14/2007 09:53:00 AM

this is not like pat or kai's story. i don't hate my father. and unlike them, i don't want to hate my father. i love my father. but because of that love, it just causes more pain. if you have read my previous posts, makikita niyo na we're drifting apart. not being heard already hurts to me kapag friends ko, pano pa kaya pag sarili kong' ama diba? lagi na lang ganun. parang wala na siyang pakialam. parang friendship lang din yan eh. good and bad. he's there for the good. no, let me rephrase, he's there kung nagsisiyahan lahat. i mean with all my relatives and all. pero pag kaming four lang, or kapag kaming dalawa lang, wala. parang pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kanila. he was never happy for me. he only listens to me kapag mali yung gagawin ko. parang "pa, pasok na ako sa cheerdance namin sa intrams. :)" or anything associated with DANCE for that matter, sasabihin niya, "sayaw na naman? ano ba gusto mo paglaki mo? dancer?" ouch yun diba. parang that's your passion you're telling him, and yet even for just once, he can't be happy for you. i miss my old dad. he changed na kasi. long before we moved here. so that made everything worse. everytime na magkkwento ako, ang saya saya ko, pero di naman siya nakikinig. kailangan ko pa sabihin yung "pa... makinig ka kasi!" tapos sasabihin niya, "oo!!" pero nagtetext siya, tatanungin ko siya kung anong huli kong' sinabi, sasabihin niya, "wag ka nga makulit!" pero, ayan, continue parin ako sa pagkkwento, just for the sake of getting it out. i don't know how i can manage to do that. and everytime i think about it, kahit nasa public, napapaluha ako. dadapo sa isip ko, "am i still his priority?, does he still love me?" ang sakit isipin na, daddy ko yan, tapos ganun yung iniisip ko. :( kaya nga i NEVER told him my plans for anything eeh. kasi he never listens, or better yet, sasabihin ko pa lang na.. "pa.. pwede bang...." biglang susulpot yung malaking "HINDI" sa bunganga niya. parang, ano yun? wala na naman. kaya, based on some experiences, so mom ko na ako nagpapaalam. pero syempre kailanagn pa rin ng approval ni Pa, kaya sigawan galore. that's it. that's how i plan everything. if you're one of my gimikera friends, there you go. the story of my plans. :) minsan naman, nasasagip ako, kasi nagpapaalam ako kay Ma, pag nasa malayong lugar si Pa. as i've told, i don't hate my father, i love him so much, that's why it hurts for me to be seeing myself/him like this. i din't know who drifted away.

two years ago, nagbakasyon yung mga pinsan ko sa bahay namin. and i kind of hated my cousin kasi siya na lang laging pinapaboran ni Pa, siya yung tama, siya yng laging kasama, ako? nasa sulok ng kwarto ko, naglalaro ng kung anu-ano. pero mahal na mahal ko pa rin yung pinsan ko na yun, kasi he took care of me, more than whatever Pa showed that time, if ever that was even care. i mean, he laughs at me when i cry when he should comfort me! he ignores my ambitions. he doesn't wanna talk to me, as i've seen. pero my cousin, he does the total opposites. i'm thankful he was still there kahit na hated him for some time.

i don't know how to get my father's attention anymore. sure, baka KSP lang ako, pero for a girl who is growing up, she needs a father just as she needs her mother. i'm not an orphan and my mother is sure as hell not a single parent. but for me, it looks like that. i don't know if i can even count on my father. i want to spend time with him, but I CAN'T! i don't know how, or why! i just want him to listen to me and be concerned. i just want to know and be assured na he's there for me. he is my parent, but i can't feel him being my father. :( i love you Pa. :(( i miss having a home. siguro that's why this place is twice as hell. there is NO FAMILY here. and NO HOME too.

"i'm going home, but to a place where i belong.."