Saturday, January 03, 2009

Nothing else matters @ 1/03/2009 11:14:00 PM

Can someone just slap or punch me? I'm serious. I wouldn't be surprised if I go out one time and someone slaps or punches me. At least that would hurt less than anything that I am feeling right this moment.

This is not one of those moments wherein I want to sulk in somebody's lap. It's one of those moments wherein I want to shut EVERYONE down. I want to just watch tv, stay home and let everybody leave. I want to be invisible and I want to be forgotten. It's not that painful because I have grown numb but its not that pleasant as well. It's like I'm in the middle and I wouldn't feel anything but I know deep inside that I lost a lot. Well, maybe not really lost, but yeah.. I guess we can call it that.

Like I don't have anywhere else to go. Nothing ever feels like home anymore but here. Ironic isn't it? I never thought that I would say this but this place feels like home already. And the rest feels like a distant place. The world turned its way upside down. There are three familiar people in my life: my mom, my dad and my brother. Everyone else is so far away.

I know I have been distancing myself a LOT to people who are nearby. And I'm miles away from those whom I am trying to reach out. See how retarded I am? But its the truth, either I'm left out, self-pitied, self-conscious, guilty or just "far away" figuratively. I'm not asking for anyone to miss me, just someone who's sensitive enough to feel that I have feelings too no matter how wrong I was or how different I became.

A friend and I went through this topic a lot because she's/he's really the only person who would get me. He/She told me that I shouldn't be stressing myself. I did my part, why not let her/him/them do hers/his/theirs? If that's what he's/she's/they're going to react upon what I do, then maybe I should just stop and let him/her/them realize things.

I felt guilty actually. It was very uncomfortable but then I accidentally realized stuff after accidentally going through some. I was so shocked and hurt but then again, the numbness took over. I don't have to do this anyway, I told myself. But I couldn't stop myself from worrying; about me and all of the people I may hurt or even help.

If only things were easy enough to be fixed. If only there's no such thing as domino effect. If only there's someone who can back me up on this. If only there is someone I can tell ALL these to. If only there is someone who could just PUNCH me! C'mon! It's your chance! My enemies would make good friends during these kinds of times. Pop out, everyone! Pour anything on my tagboard and name yourself anonymous, anything! I'll share a secret with you, I wouldn't know who the hell that person would be as long as you wouldn't leave links, duh. Anything painful. I don't have my New Moon yet so mean stuff are very much accepted. Remember? Pain is my painkiller.