Saturday, April 14, 2007

we can't stop it. things change. @ 4/14/2007 02:32:00 PM

i'm relly careful with what i say here. walang lalabas. blog exclusive lang.

siguro there are thing that won't always remain constant in this world. di natin maiiwasan, we would change from time to time.


nasan na nga ba yung dating tayo? we can't blame ourselves for what is happening.
alam ko pare-pareho na tayong nahihirapan. tayo yung nagpapanatili nung something we kept on holding on for the people who are not with us. i know that i have done mistakes. pero it's now that i realize that i should not regret any of those. i know that the "things" i did separated me from you. but, just like you, they're also important to me. and i just can't simply let go.

i know i'm wrong that i should also seek for your effort. na 'wag akong magpakamanhid' like what i did before. i admit. i was wrong. pero i was sick of comparing yourself to me. you always say.. 'ba't ako..'.. 'ba't kami?'.. i'm sorry but i'm not like you. just because you can do that means that i can also do that. i sound harsh. but i really need to say it. there are things that goes on my mind, pero they want to stay there.
i don't want to say that i've grown tired. bored. i'm not. i still believe in the promises we swore we'll make. i still believe that someday we'll be complete, i'm really happy we went this far. pero, the farther we go, the more promises we make. and most are broken.
i can't go on seeing us this way. we're not the same as we were before. maybe bacause we matured.
minsan, parang i get confused, of... things. there would be words in my head na parang "ano ba yan.." o kaya "haaayyy." they're in my head but i prefer the to stay there. i don't want to make issues. i don't want to be talked behind my back. kaya sometimes, i stay quiet. there are things that i wanted to do. but after doing it, there would be words. coming in. offending. kaya minsan, uupo na lang ako sa isang tabi, pretending not to hear what they say. tapos ayun... tuloy-tuloy na. i try to be enrgetic, i try to be wacky, to be perky.. parang dati.. pero may mga nakakaintimidate na factors na parang nakakapawalang gana. i'm not blaming you. i'm not mad at you. i know we all change. i know people change. pero i still miss the old us. back when "fun" was around. minsan, iniiwanan ko yung ibang bagay na gusto ko gawin, for you. but when i'm there na. no words. napakatahimik. you get bored. then there would be things that would pop in your mind like.. "dapat..." "sana...". can't help it. but it just goes.. sometimes i even think hat i wouldn't be surprised if you are talking about me. coz i felt guilty judging people we talk about. i hear you saying all those reasons you say about YOUR efforts. i'm tired of smiling when i know that i'm not okay. i'm tired of laughing when i know that it's wrong. maybe there are times that you joke about it.. but "jokes" are half meant. i mean, why would you even say it if you don't mean it right?! what would you feel if you were in our places?

as i said in the first part, this 'post' will only remain here.
if YOU are reading this... i know you'll talk to me. but i don't want to. i know you'll say.. 'pano namin malalaman kung ayaw mo sabihin?' but, the thing is, i want to keep it all for myself. i don't want you to know the reasons. i just want us to go on. i know you'll say 'how can we change if you won't tell us? magco-continue lang toh.' if ever you read this. you might even a have a hint. yun lang. ayoko nang palawakin toh. this is part of our life. we change, and i don't see anything to describe this as a "bad change".. kaya there's no reason to talk about it.
i'm really asking you a favor not to talk about this please. pinost ko lang para mailabas ko. nothing more. no specific names. so walang siraan.